Disjointed Thoughts on Pain

Years ago I read a book written by C.S. Lewis called, "A Grief Observed". The book stands out amongst his other works, in my opinion, as being hard to follow and a bit disjointed. If you are not familiar with C.S. Lewis, then you are really missing out. His book, "Mere Christianity" is one of my all time favorites, as well as his more famous fantasy stories about children who are whisked away to the land of Narnia. 

Wikipedia defines "A Grief Observed" as "...a non-fiction reflection from author and theologian C.S. Lewis on the process of grieving for his wife, who died of cancer after three years of marriage. He keeps a journal throughout the months immediately following and very candidly describes his resulting anger and bewilderment at God, his observations of his impressions of life and his world without her, and his process of moving in and out of stages of grieving and remembering her. He ultimately comes to a revolutionary redefinition of his own characterization of God, and gains the ability to live gratefully for the gift of a true love as long as he was enrolled in that particular education."

Perhaps "A Grief Observed" wasn't my favorite read, because... I couldn't relate to it?

"A Grief Observed" reminds many of another famous work of Lewis',  a book he authored twenty years prior, called simply, "The Problem of Pain". That was a book that sought to provide theory behind the pain in the world. It was a book I purchased and read when first entering ministry, as I am sure many young and inspiring ministers do in order to perhaps be able to muster up a possible answer to the overwhelming amount of hurt that we are inevitably faced with in our work. "The Problem of Pain" is wonderful, because it is the writing of an immense mind on a subject that is extremely difficult to deal with in Christianity. As a matter of fact, most books out today on the subject of  "Why bad things happen to good people", are little more than Lewis' words rehashed. My point... people love what Lewis proposed, his 'theory', in "The Problem of Pain".

Then, twenty years passed. The love of Lewis' life passed away. And all of a sudden, the theories that all made sense and that everyone said a hearty "amen!" to, became super difficult to apply for Lewis. That's why "A Grief Observed" seemed so disjointed to me. Because trying to navigate through intimately painful situations, and fitting your feelings and doubts into the belief system you've always had... is tough.

I think I get "A Grief Observed" better today. 

I always admired that Lewis was so transparent about his personal wrestling with God in the book, but now it means something even more. It is a life-lesson for me. It reminds me that sometimes life is really hard. Sometimes random verses from the Bible don't help. Sometimes God seems silent. Sometimes God answers the prayers of others exactly like they desired Him to, and sometimes He doesn't do that for you. Sometimes there are just a lot of tears and no one is there to physically wipe them away. Sometimes it can seem very lonely. Sometimes the promise of a 'future hope' just doesn't cut it. 

These are all things that Lewis 'vented' about.

Do you know what's so interesting to me? Some of Lewis' greatest fans, after reading this book, thought he had lost his faith, while some of his biggest critics felt it was his most authentic writing. This is where I see the danger one encounters when seeking to be transparent... and genuine. Those who enjoy and buy into the 'theories' and the 'beliefs' often do not want to stare into the face of life's most tragic moments and then reconcile them with what they've believed. Whereas, often it is the critic who is simply looking for authenticity... proof of the reality of God. They find it hard to accept a God who rescues, saves, heals, and fights for the lost and hurting when they see so many still lost and hurting. But you know what they can relate to... and even admire? A person who readily admits that life is painful... and it doesn't make a whole lot of sense sometimes. A person who doesn't wear a false mask of joy when sorrow is gripping the depths of their soul... all behind trite phrases like, "God is good all the time! All the time God is good!"

In Lewis' "A Grief Observed" we read a man who is seriously hurting, and yes, even questioning. It's like you can feel how hard it is for him to balance what he has always known to be true about God, amidst the anguish of losing his wife to cancer. However, after the venting and the long bouts of silence, crying, and depression... we read him gradually reaccepting the theories and truths he had previously written about. He concludes that suffering is ultimately necessary... even in the lives of those who call upon the name of The Lord.

But, make no mistake, there is a huge difference in his writing after the twenty years. He no longer sounds like an 'immense mind' who has all the answers, but rather a broken vessel who has found that trusting God has much more to do with leaning on Him in the valley of the shadow of death, than clinging to the beliefs and theories we have aligned ourselves with.

I'm thankful for God. I'm grateful for the truths of His Word that are buried deep within my soul. But when my wife is in constant agony, and nothing I, or anyone else, seem to do or say is helpful... when every prayer seems to be ignored... when I'm alone in the dark and listening to her cry...

It hurts. 

Jesus wept too.  (John 11:35)

I know. 

Now however, I think He wept, not because He was upset that Laz's sisters didn't have faith, but because when you see someone you love in that much pain...it stinks.