Approximately four years ago I visited Haiti for the first time and fell in love. I fell in love with the country, the people, and specifically, I fell in love with two Haitian girls. One of the girls had just turned eleven years old, the other was only two. I met hundreds of orphans on my trip, but these two girls captured my heart. When I returned home and shared my experience with Kelli and my four children, we all spent a few weeks praying and seeking God’s perfect will, to distinguish if we should pursue adopting these beautiful girls. We all felt this was the direction that God had for us, and thus we began the painstakingly lengthy process. Over the next four years I would visit Haiti two more times, each stint spending more time getting to know these two girls.
In early 2010 a devastating earthquake hit the country of Haiti. Many people lost their lives and the country was in shambles. One bright light in all that darkness was the adoption process was sped up, literally overnight. For almost eleven months now, the girls have been in our home. Legally the adoption is not finalized and we are only considered a ‘foster’ family until the paperwork goes through. However, our hearts have always been that these girls were now a part of our family… forever.
The younger girl, Merci Klarrah, has grown leaps and bounds in that time. She is now six years old and is a constant joy to each and every one of us. The older girl, Marie Andre (Maria), is now fifteen years old and sadly, things have not worked out so well.
At first, we believed Maria to be shy. She exhibited all the symptoms of someone who had been through a lot of horrors in her life, such as physical, emotional, and perhaps even sexual, abuse. Our hearts were to love her through all of this and show her an unconditional love that would melt her hardened heart. At times, we could see huge progress in Maria, and she would smile and show signs of real life. But the majority of the time she would distance herself from us, from friends, and from anything or anyone that would try to get close to her.
We sought out a counselor. Then, another. Then, still another. We tried a different approach at education. We attempted all that we could, to try and win her heart. We read books and we sought the wisdom of others. Nothing seemed to help. A few months ago it began to worsen. Maria learned that she could manipulate the family with her behavior. She began to be increasingly mean to our eleven year-old, Michaela. We would talk to her about her behavior… to no avail. She wouldn’t apologize. She wouldn’t seek reconciliation. She wouldn’t simply be nice. We began to seek new ways to try and form her behavior, because ‘talking’ didn’t seem to work. We grounded her. We took things away. Nothing seemed to be successful. We grew tired of folks saying things like, “Well, that’s just a teenager for you.” We have never experienced this with our other ‘teens’… or any other teens for that matter. (I was a youth pastor for eight years and my minor in college was adolescent behavior/youth ministry).
We began to explain to Maria that when you are part of a ‘family’, unconditional love must be shown. Forgiveness must be given. We do not have the luxury of holding grudges, because it simply makes the entire household miserable. She wouldn’t change. We explained that the adoption wasn’t finalized yet and asked her if she would be happier if we tried to find a different family for her. She refused to give us an answer, but only asked if she could call her birth-mother in Haiti to ask her opinion. To this request, we agreed. Her birth-mother’s advice was for her to “count her blessings” and do whatever it took to stay in America, because Haiti was so bad. From this point on, Maria seemed to be increasingly sad. Each day she would seclude herself and remain very quiet. We tried and tried to love and minister to her, but we failed.
Things between Maria and Michaela grew so bad that we asked friends to keep Michaela for us for a week. Hurtful things were said to Michaela that cut her deeply. We were very concerned that Michaela was being wounded by the meanness of Maria. When Michaela was at home, at night we’d find her wrapped up in a blanket and sleeping in the hall, because she was afraid to go into her room. This was very unlike Michaela, and she was frightened to tell us anything, because Maria had warned her, “Don’t tell Mom and Dad anything about me!” At this time I began to research how we might find a place for Maria to go. Was there a place out there where she could be truly happy?
After much research, we did indeed find a Christian organization that takes in young people exactly like Maria. They have multiple staff that speak Creole (Maria’s native tongue) and counselors who are dedicated to the help and healing of Haitian children who’ve gone through much of what Maria has had to endure. Because the environment is Christian, Jesus is brought into every aspect of the kid’s lives. They were more than willing to take Maria in, after learning more about her.
Since all this has been decided, Maria has had her ups and downs. She had days where she would be a completely different person. She was kind and generous and completely loving. She wrote letters and showed us extreme love. She never seemed to act this way towards Michaela, but to the rest of us she was awesome. Apparently, she made it known to others that she did not desire to leave our family. When we would ask her about this, she would state that she didn’t want to leave. However, when we asked her if she loved her sister, Michaela, and could she be kind to her? She wouldn’t answer us. We had to take this as her not wanting to be a part of the Craft family. You see, the Crafts are: Michael, Kelli, Conor, Kolten, Caleb, Michaela, and Merci. You can’t just love six of us and not the seventh. We all must love all of us – it must be this way. Of course, kids will be kids, and arguments among sisters are going to happen, but this was different. Maria is good at hanging onto a grudge. The one she has against Michaela just didn’t seem like it was going away.
Today we said “goodbye” to Marie Andre. We cried… a lot. She cried… a lot. Our hearts are broken in two right now, there is no other way to say it. We will miss Maria, of course. Her leaving is the death of a dream. I wanted her to be a ‘Craft’. I wanted to walk her down the aisle one day. I loved it when she called me “Daddy”. I’ll miss that… a lot.
I have to keep telling myself that she just wasn’t happy. Although, today… and the past few days, (when she wasn’t around Michaela) she said that she was, I don’t think she truly wanted to be a part of our family. Kelli and I had just come to the realization that if we were going to be doing Maria any good, we needed to make sure she was happy and that she got the very best possible start here in America and in life. We initially thought our unconditional love would be enough to accomplish those goals. However, we have come to realize that it just wasn’t. We now feel that the best start for her is in Miami, Florida at HIS HOUSE, where she is going. We are saddened to admit that Maria needs so much more than we can provide.
We don’t think we misheard God, or that He made a mistake. We do believe that for a season, we were put into Maria’s life, and she in ours, for a reason. If we had not pursued the adoption, taken a second-mortgage on our home to pay for it, and put in all the time and effort – perhaps Maria would be one of the many victims currently suffering with Cholera, in the aftermath of the earthquake, in Haiti right now. Perhaps she would never have had the opportunity to become a citizen of America? Now she does.
I pray that she will be happy where she is going. I really do. I’d like to think we did what was best for Maria. I’d like to believe that God knows all things and that He has Maria… and us… in the palm of His hand. Perhaps he’ll bring Maria back into our lives at a later time – we certainly will keep tabs on her. Perhaps she’ll find happiness away from such a large and loud family like the Crafts. I just don’t know.
I do know that I’ve never been so sad. I know that I don’t like to see my wife and children crying. I know that I need some time to heal and grieve a serious “loss” with my family. For this reason, I’m taking some time to do just that. I hope you’ll all understand what we’ve been going through, and where we are at now. Some will, and have, judged us for the decisions we’ve made. My attempt at writing this long blog is that you will know our hearts, and why we are where we are at this time.
I love you. Please continue to keep us, and Maria, in your prayers. Many of you reading this have reached out and shown love to Maria. Thank you. Your kindness has not gone unnoticed. We have appreciated you all more than we can express.
Michael
My heart breaks for you guys. What a hard decision. I've always looked at your family as a good example. Please don't feel like you have failed in any way. It seems to me like you have succeeded at giving love with your all. You have successfully handled a hard situation to protect everyone in your family. You're still a great example of being a good family.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is broken for your family, for Maria, and for Michaela. I can't imagine what a horribly gut-wrenching decision this was, and what you all are feeling now.
ReplyDeleteI hope that all of you will feel much more love than judgment, that people will be able to see the loving heart of your family and how sometimes unconditional love means really hard decisions that others will not understand.
We will be praying for your family, for healing, peace and reassurance from God. I pray that Maria will be getting exactly the care that she needs to bring her to a place of complete healing, with a full future.
My heart cries with you. Thank you for being so honest and open with us. That is why we love you and appreciate you. You will never know the full impact that you had on Maria until you can sit down with Jesus and he will explain it. For God knows Maria's plans and they are for a purpose and future that brings hope. I wonder how God felt when he had to let Jesus go to come to us to give us a future and hope. I know that you gave Maria a future full of hope and purpose. We love you all, Donna Graham
ReplyDeletePlease know that we love you and your ability to be so open and honest in this situation is just one more reason for us to love you. I know people say this all the time, but if you need ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING, please let me or my family know. And you dont worry about what people think.
ReplyDeleteMichael,
Grieve, grieve for your family's loss, but know that you do not grieve alone. We love you, we love you, we love you and know that our prayers are lifting up to Heaven as I type this.
The Harris Family
Oh, Pastor Michael...I cannot imagine what your family must be feeling. I know that you have loved that girl with your whole heart, and...I really don't know what to say, except to make a feeble attempt at comfort and encouragement: you know that God is her heavenly Father and will go with her wherever she goes, so do not feel like you have failed. The Crafts have ultimately helped get her out of a devastating situation in her home country. You all love her with a love that incites tears - a love that cannot be broken, and I believe that that love is a prayer that will go with her wherever she goes as well. What a difficult situation - you have responsibilities toward all your children, not just one - though I know your heart breaks over the one. But she has not been lost. Entrust her to her heavenly Father. If God can save us from the unimaginable weight of our sins, surely he can look after and protect one dear teenage girl on her journey toward healing and changing. I know you will continue to pray for her and love her though you are apart. Through that, *you will still be making a difference in her life.* I will also pray that Michaela's sweet and precious heart will be able to mend, and that she would not feel like this is her fault. She is one of the kindest and most compassionate little girls I know, so full of life, and to imagine what you have described makes my heart break.
ReplyDeleteI'll miss seeing Maria at church when I get home for Christmas break. Seeing the other girls at youth reach out to her was so encouraging - God surrounded her with such caring, kind people for her time in Liberty, MO. Bless your heart, Pastor Michael, and bless the hearts of your beautiful family. I can see your heart in this letter and it is that heart that is such a treasure to Desperation Church, and to the Kingdom of God.
May he lift you up and heal your heartache. My own heart is broken for yours.
Love you, and your family, and Maria so, so much,
-Cattie
Michael and Kelli & Family,
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry. We cry with you and trust our God is in control. Love is the hardest thing in the world to do. We will pray for healing, comfort, and understanding for you and Maria.
We love you all as if you were our own family. You know if you need anything from us, we will be glad to do it.
the Trotters
Psalm 119:50
"My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life."
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ReplyDeletePastor Michael, Mitch and I grieve with you all. We love you guys and pray our GOD guard your hearts, ears, and spirits fom judgements, ridicule, slander, or any negative thing that might wound you because of this decision. You all are a GODly family, Spirit-led and Spirit-filled and may you rest in knowing you are one of HIS sheep and that you have heard HIS voice! - Mitch and Melissa Schellinger
ReplyDeletePastor Michael, Kelli and kids,
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry for all of the hurt that you are all going through right now. Thank you for being honest and open with us about what happened. We will be praying for ultimate healing and recovery for all of you, including Maria wherever she goes. I know that what you are feeling is probably like grieving a death, and we grieve with you in this loss. But please know that there are SO MANY MORE people who love you than those who may be judging and unkind to you. Unfortunately, sometimes the unkind/unloving people are the loudest. Anyone who knows the Craft family even just a little knows that you all are the most loving, nurturing people. Praying for peace, comfort and a strong feeling of Abba-Father's arms around you all at this time. Kathy Bond and family
We love you, Pastor Michael. Praying for your family! Rachel Smith
ReplyDeleteMy heart cries with you, I can't even begin to imagine what it has taken to bring you to this decision. Just know that we pray for you, your family and for Maria.
ReplyDeleteDawn
What a terribly difficult decision. My heart breaks for you and your family, but I believe God brought you to that decision and hope you all have peace with it. It hurts me to hear about sweet Michaela being treated like that. She's such a special little girl. But I know the love of your family will help smooth away any scars she might've endured. We love you guys and continue to pray for you. Thank you for sharing your hearts with us.
ReplyDeleteAs I am saddened by this situation I am also reminded that Christ,in the same way, offers all unconditional love, but you must be willing to accept it. HIS love is a gift to all, but the gift must be received. Our hearts have to be open to change and a willingness to accept that ultimate love, or it will be a struggle, and end in misery as He watches His loved one walk away. :(
ReplyDeleteI am at a loss for words. Michael, please know that you continue to be in our thoughts and prayers. We love you and your family and pray for God's strength to hold you up as you go through this very difficult time. My heart aches for all your family has been through in the last few months. It's more than any family should have to face. Please know that we understand your need for recovery. We pray that God works in amazing ways in these hard times. We love you.
ReplyDeleteAmy (and Jeremy) Sellars
As I read this my heart goes out to your entire family.
ReplyDeleteI can't help but think about this though. Why are you viewing this in such a way that she will no longer be a part of your family? She will always be a part of the Craft family. We send our children away to college because there are things that we cannot teach them. You have not failed in any way. There are just some things we cannot teach our children and must entrust them to others and, as others have said, I have faith that God will bring her back into your family as a better person.
God bless.
Dear Craft family,
ReplyDeleteMy heart aches for you. I have no doubt that you have loved (and continue to love) Maria with the most amazing kind of love. Love just exudes out of all of you. It is what draws people to Desperation Church and it has helped me to draw closer to Jesus. I pray that as you grieve, you feel supported and loved by all of us who care so deeply for all 8 of you. Love you mean it.
We love you guys, and we are so proud to call you our friends. To make the sacrifices you have truly needed our Father's strength and wisdom. Thank you for sharing the hard stuff--we now know how to pray. Rest in Him this Christmas season. We are praying for healing emotionally and physically.
ReplyDeleteKurt and Carla
Pastor Michael and Kelli,
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear your breaking heart. You didn't make a mistake, you trusted God just like He wanted you to. There is reasons we don't always know for the sorrows we sometimes have to endure, but there IS ALWAYS beauty and healing that comes from the hand of our heavenly Father. As you and your family take this time to heal, just rest on the chest of Abba, listening to his heartbeat and let him pour out his love on you and know without one single doubt that he will do the same for Maria.
WE love you guys so much and will pray for you all!
Love Kevin, Laurie and kids
Crafts,
ReplyDeleteOur prayers and hearts go out to you and Maria. We know that Maria is where she is for a reason. This doesn’t make sense now, But we trust that someday it will make perfect sense and we will see Gods plan clearly.
It’s clear to us that your family saved Maria from certain misery and danger, and provided her with all the love and security that you would expect from you natural parents.
Although this is tough now Maria is still much better off, and overtime we pray that she can turn things around and try to enjoy her life and the good God brings to her, we believe she will.
We hope you know that we want you to lean on us for comfort and love and know that our hearts hurt with you.
Love you guys.
The Walters
Dear Pastor Michael and family,
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to all of you and breaks along with yours, for I know how deep the hurt and pain goes when you lose a child. You all are in my prayers and thoughts. Though I am fairly new to the church and don't know all of you that well know that my tears tonight are for you and yours and as my heart breaks hearing this I am sending up prayers for a swift healing of each of your hearts and a deep comfort in your souls that you will know that you gave Marie all you had and loved her with your entire beings and that you are even now still loving her just as deeply by getting her the help she desperately needs and she will be better for it and some day she will look back and know that you all loved her like no one else ever has. Stay strong in HIM, and lift your arms and voice to HIM in song, praise, and yes even your tears. Though I am fairly new to this church and your family I don't know very well yet I am praying for each of you, Sincerely, with love
Cindy Haggerty
Dear Craft Family,
ReplyDeleteDoing what is best for Maria & your family is what's most important. You did exactly what you felt you had to do. No one ever said that the right decision was the easy/painless decision. Our prayers go out to your family. There is strength in the pain. No one knows what the future holds. Knowing that you did your best and trusted and continue to trust God with this heart breaking decision is all that you could do. Take this time to heal and move on with your family. We will be here when you are ready to return.
Bless you and your family (and Maria),
The Presko Family
I cant imagine how heart broken you all must feel. My love pours out to each of you.I know God moves through our lives in different ways.I dont believe he sets us up to fail.I know you guys well enough to know that you've done everything imaginable to give Marie a good home.I dont know of to many parents who would have gone through such measures for the adoption of two beautiful girls. Now thats LOVE and this world could use a lot more of it. God is mysterious and does things that we may not understand, but i feel he has a plan for Marie and the Crafts.Something thats going to blow our faces of later.I just know it."In him we were also chosen,having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will" Ephesians 1:11 Your loss is now the very center of my prayers,for i will be praying for God to weld hearts back together so that they may never be broken.
ReplyDeleteKMR
Dear Michael, Kelli and children,
ReplyDeleteWe are so sorry! I wish we could hug your necks and pray over each one of in your hurting.
Thank you for once again showing such transparancy in your lives, even in such hard things as this.
May our perfect Father wrap you all in His love and peace that goes beyond understanding!
Please know we will be praying for you all.
Love you all!!
The Fair Family
Dear Craft family,
ReplyDeleteWhen you fell in love with Maria and Merci, so did we. When they became a part of your family, they moved into our hearts too. We shared in the longing, the waiting, and the struggle to bring the girls home. And we shared the joy and the exhilaration of your dreams realized -- all of this because you allowed us the opportunity. You opened your hearts and lives to us. A poet once wrote, “Material things are not gifts but apologies for gifts, the only true gift is a portion of thyself.”
During this season each of us will decide how to respond to the gift you have given to us, the gift of sharing in your lives. Please accept these sentiments as our response to your gift: We decide to be here for you. We decide to listen before we speak. We decide to grieve with you. We decide to gently remind you of what is true. We decided to comfort and to encourage you with God’s words and with ours. We decide to pray for God’s peace in your lives, the kind of peace that doesn’t make sense, the kind of peace that brings healing. We decide to pray for Maria in the same way, to pray for God's will to happen in her life. We decide to hold your broken hearts carefully, and to wrap them in our love. We decide to continue to take your example as you take Christ for yours.
Thank you Craft family for sharing your lives with us and for sharing Christ's life with us. Thank you for loving us.
May you receive every good gift God has for you.
In the love and unity of Christ,
The Staff, Elders, and Administrative Board of Desperation Church