Be Prepared,... Or Don't.

I'm swimming.

I mean, my mind is swimming. With all that has been transpiring in Haiti and the adoption of our two girls that has been in process for over three and a half years looking like it could be coming to completion any moment... I'm swimming.

I want to admit something: I've been angry. I've felt cheated... lied to... stolen from... and extremely disappointed. It all started four years ago when I made my first trip to Haiti. On my last day there, I met Maria Andre and Merci Klarrah, and I fell in love. That love only grew on two subsequent trips, and numerous letters and phone calls. I consider them 'my girls'. We worked hard to finish all the paperwork... and there was A LOT of paperwork! We had to have what is called a 'Home Study', where someone comes into our home and inspects everything, and interviews me, my wife, each of my children. It was very nerve-wracking! We spent twenty thousand dollars and re-mortgaged our home. We prayed.

Nothing happened.

I became angry. Each phone call only brought on more discouragement. Each email telling us that the Haitian government was in 'no hurry' to get orphans out, we just "HAD TO WAIT"... only added to my frustration. We had done all that we could! We had done everything right! Now we were being told that we were not even supposed to contact our own government to speed things up, because that would only anger the Haitian government and slow things down. The whole thing seemed crooked, and I became more and more discouraged... and angry.

This may sound hard to believe, but I never lost faith... in God. I truly felt, prayed, and believed that God was in control. I just figured He wanted me to trust Him... even it that meant that I would never get the girls home, and that we had flushed twenty grand and countless hours of work. I had resigned myself that it would NEVER happen. I trusted that that was God's will... and I would be okay with it.

Right.

Last week, Haiti imploded. One week later we're being told that President Obamma has signed something that allows Haitian orphans to come to the states immediately if they can only get a ride here. This morning I'm told that my girls are camping out outside the crumbled Haitian Consolate awaiting their release with 60 or more other orphans from their orphanage. I'm being told to stay calm,... but be ready.

Right.

I'm swimming. My mind is a million different places. Is this really going to happen? What was I thinking? Can I be "Dad" to six kids? Are the girls traumatized? How big are they now? Are they going to like me? Can six kids share one tiny bathroom? Is Kelli going to be able to homeschool everyone? How are we going to afford food, when my four kids already eat more than I thought was possible? I can't wait to hold them and tell them it's all okay now. Will Kelli keep working at the bank? Will the church love them? Will all my kids get along? Have the girls seen those piles of bodies that I saw on the news? Am I cut out for this?

I'm not angry anymore,... I'm scared.

A few days ago I was reading in Matthew chapter 10:19-20. It states, "But when they arrest you, do not worry about what to say, or how to say it. At that time you will be given what to say, for it will not be you speaking, but the Spirit of your Father speaking through you." Jesus said this as part of His preparing the disciples to go out and share the Message that the Kingdom of God is here. He's telling them to not fret or even prepare ahead of time what they will or will not say, because by God's Spirit, they will be given the words to speak. Even in circumstances where their very lives are at stake.

Can you imagine living with that kind of peace? No questioning. No self-doubt. No worries,... all because you KNOW that God's Spirit is ultimately in charge... and can bail you out of any mess you've gotten yourself into, or help you during any crisis that seems way too big for you.

As a disciple myself, I too must be reliant upon God's Holy Spirit to give me what to say. Even in times where I'm swimming. Just as Jesus is preparing these followers ahead of time for what they will one day encounter, so too I must trust that He has prepared me ahead of time for what I will encounter.

Jesus' words, "Do not worry about what to say, or how to say it" ring in my ears... and in my heart today, as I pray:

"Father, may I be guided by Your Spirit today and throughout the next few days and weeks to be the man You've called me to be... prepared me to be... and are enabling me to be. I love you."